Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
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Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
me, age 21: *pulls an all nighter* yay!
me, age 37: *sleeps the whole night* yay!
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
Priest: *blesses me*
Me: *drinks wine*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing mustache)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: (wearing wig)
Priest: *blesses me*[1 min later]
Me: WHAAAAAAZZZZZZZZUUUP
Priest: …
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Suffering from kleptomania?
You should take something.
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.
guy who invented the wheel: one day everyone’s going to remember my name
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
I made a joke about a lumberjack funeral once and got followed by a logging association, a lumberyard and 2 funeral homes
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
HIM: Are you mad at me?
ME: No.
HIM: Well you’re playing Sims again and removed the ladder to the pool while an avatar that looks remarkably like me drowns.
ME: So? That’s how you play The Sims.