I bet Lincoln is looking down like “dude, trust me, that is not a bad night in a theater”
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“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words
I need to update my racial profile.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
damn girl r u internet explorer cause u are not responding lol
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
Me, in my *best* Sean Connery voice: Would you like that shaken or stirred?
My friend, horrified: Maddie, please just give me my baby back.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Hate when you’re walking behind someone & want to pass them & then they start the “drift” & you both crash into a shelf of glass figurines.
My dog sure barks a lot for someone who needs a pep talk during thunderstorms
My dad gets drunk and sends me this picture at least 3 nights a week
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Like grandpa always said, ‘If you kids don’t stop retweeting yourself, you’ll go blind.’
ME: *puts on sunglasses*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: *slaps them off my face* glasses made of the sun would instantaneously melt your head
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Boss: I had a dream about you last night.
Me: You’re welcome? Excuse me, I have to go and die now.
Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like BBs, rub one ball & everything moves.
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
*getting murdered* omg stop you can get in a lot of trouble for this.
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget
I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.