interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
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[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
Looking back, I should have considered all the framed pics of serial killers she had as a red flag.
I think they could have phrased this better
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
If I ever get kidnapped, my plan is to just talk non-stop about Lost until they see that I’m very annoying, and they return me to safety.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
please stop making me feed my video game characters. i shouldn’t have the fact they are living better than me rubbed in my face like this.
Son, take a look around you…
*motions to piles of unpaid bills*
Someday all of this will be all yours.
Your home, like all homes, has an extra light switch that appears to do nothing when flipped. Nevertheless, you pass many idle hours curiously flipping it up and down. Far away, enormous dressage horses spawn out of thin air in my kitchen. Stop flipping the horse switch. Please.
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
This is so me 😂😂
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
I’ll admit, ever since I saw Psycho as a kid I’ve felt a tiny bit nervous each time I kill someone in the shower.
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.