I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
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25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
If you want to know how Irish my family is, my parents don’t have a liquor cabinet, they have a liquor closet
Right next to the beer fridge
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
‘…um….’
– the first cow ever milked
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
you have 1 in a 50 million chance of being attacked by a shark which is comforting in the ocean but concerning in an elevator
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
I need to stop saying “oppa gagnam style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation
Me, trying to flirt with the Mormon missionary at my door:
No sir, have YOU heard the Good News? IT’S THAT I’M SINGLE.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
STATUS: Using the flashlight on my phone to look for the keys that are in my hand so I can open my car cuz I think I left my phone in there.
Obama: Wave at the people, Joe.
Biden: IMMA POINT AT’EM
Obama: Please just wave.
Biden:
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
me: I invited colin for dinner tomorrow
her: is that the guy that always gets the day wrong?
*knock at the door*
me: yes
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Me, about to cook non-English food: time to start culinising