Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
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The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going
I know that we aren’t supposed to self diagnose but I’ve googled all of my
symptoms and I’m fairly sure I’m a raccoon
“How was your trip, boy?” I ask my dog, petting his glowing fur. “There’s been a development,” he says gravely, removing his space helmet
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
If you wash cheese with antibacterial soap, it turns back into milk.
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
Gross if literal…Liverpool
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
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Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
If Taylor Swift had a love affair with Adele and they broke up, there would be a tsunami or extinction or some shit
36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36 – 24 – 36? Haha. Only if she’s a giant caterpillar.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
My dad is at it again