*15th century*
Shaggy: ‘Twas not I
You Might Also Like
“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
Halloween and Valentine’s day are pretty much the same thing… people dress up and pretend to be someone they’re not for some sugar
2yo’s favorite cartoon is teaching him about centrifugal force.
When I was little, my favorite cartoon taught me never to order from Acme.
That awkward moment when you walk in on your sons having a yo momma insult contest.
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
ME IN 2010: My prospects for the future are bright and I am focused on them
ME IN 2017: I’m going to tweet about a raccoon who outwits me
*has no girlfriend or kids*
*gives out dating and parenting advice*
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
“You can’t bring road kill on the plane.”
“It’s my carrion.”
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Some women can shave their heads and look like goddesses. If I shaved my head, I would look like roll-on deodorant.