me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
You Might Also Like
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
It’s cute how alcohol comes in a paper bag so when you hit rock bottom you have something to hyperventilate into.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Connor Sadzeck Connor Happyzeck
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
My 19 year old refers to the show The Blacklist as “The Adventures of Crime Dad” and now you will too.
You’re welcome.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
Me: *delivering breakfast in bed*
Wife: OMG! What a nice surprise!
Me: Would you say it was uneggspected?
Wife:
Me: Omelette you eat now
Come back with a warrant
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
scared to check what name she chose
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
We decided to have money instead of children.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!