Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
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Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
Qui-gon: You will give me the parts
Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks
Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?
Watto: I will give you the parts
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
it’s not really fair to ask kids what they want to be when they grow up because as a kid I had no idea being a podcast cohost who does no research and just gasps or laughs was an option
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
i told a rich person that i think we should raise the minimum wage and they were like “raise the minimum wage? what’s next?? lower the maximum wage!?!” and it’s like actually, now that you mention it, that’s not a bad idea
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I used to work out because I wanted a hot body. Now I work out so I don’t have to hide bodies.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
I have to stop saying “Because I’m Batman” all the time. It’s not cute anymore. Oh wait. Yea it is! You know why? Because I’m Batman.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I enjoy long woks to the Chinese place up the street.
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent