Nobody’s a bigger drama queen than soup in a microwave.
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Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
me trying to fit into my pre pandemic jeans
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
[the ghost of christmas future points at my grave] finally im dead [i lay down in the grave] stop kicking me ghost im not learning anything
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is it about that state that makes people want to flee the planet?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Mentally fistfighting everyone I pass on sidewalk (watched action movie earlier) my record is 33-10 but to be fair I walked by a school.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.
A classic example of a cat being a cat.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)