Me: Let me taste and see how are those fries…
My kid: *speedily swallowing them* no need, I can tell you they are good.
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[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “Uhm… she didn’t like me.”
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
[in HR]
We’re letting you go because you won’t stop referring to going to the bathroom as “live streaming”
Her: I like a man who’s loud in bed
Me: *turns on my cpap machine*
Her: Not like that
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
My sister and I were in an elevator and a lady got huffy and told us to speak English, so we obliged her and continued our conversation about her in English.
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
BOB THE BUILDER: Can we fi-
MACGYVER: Done.
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Life is a cherry tomato and I’m a plastic fork.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
Yesterday I went to a fight and a baseball game broke out.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.