Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
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[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
What I like about the world of Star Trek is it’s legal for any two thrusters to be engaged.
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
*Dorothy pummells Glenda with a ruby slipper
DAFUQ YOU MEAN I HAD THE POWER TO GO HOME ALL ALONG?!! YOU SENT A MINOR TO MURDER A WITCH!!??
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
And then Satan said, “save time ~ respond to her text with a K.”
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
#ThingsIamRustyAt dieting
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
I don’t want to alarm anyone but I’ve purchased a ukulele. Soon as I can jam, there’ll be auditions for my band behind the 7-11.
NO WEIRDOS
Indian Brothers & Sisters: You know all those awful things Columbus did to the Native Americans? Just remember…HE WAS LOOKING FOR US
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
[heaven]
ME: Lord?
JESUS: My son
ME: I have an important question
JESUS: I know…The meaning of life is f-
ME: Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?