I’ve had a bag of bolts on my desk for a week, and I can’t for the life of me remember what they’re for.
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Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
After you hit the snooze button five times, the alarm clock should start reciting your Google seach entries at full volume.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one at auction today.
I’ve had him about an hour now.
Anyway….. Monkey for Sale.
Is there a Twitter acronym for “Ur screenshot tweet is really funny, but my anxiety about ur phone battery % prevents me from enjoying it”?
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
“You can do better than that.”
– people who don’t know me all that well
Close call…
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
I know a horrible idea when I see it.
No more dating apps, just gonna sit on my front porch and yell at people.
Not to get dates, because people need yelling at.
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
Does anything good ever escape from a lab
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
My wife keeps telling me I need glasses
but I prefer to drink right out of the bottle
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.