Bros before Ohioes
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Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
Of course I wear a mask. It came with the white van.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
Walking near the square a woman stopped me to offer a free skin care sample. Then she accurately guessed my age range. Some nerve!
*whistling*
Husband: There’s blood in the entry way. What happened?
Me: I’m decorating for Halloween.
Husband: But It’s real blood.
Me: *continues whistling*
I’ve had like 6 red bulls, so of course I’m vacuuming the front yard.
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
[in hell]
ME: *sitting down in auditorium* this doesn’t seem so bad
SATAN: *on stage* hi everyone, before I begin my interactive performance—
ME: ugh
SATAN: —I’d like everyone to move down to the first three rows
ME: UGH
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
I’d like to have a child one day. Two days, tops.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body