“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
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Age 10: I wanna be a millionaire when I grow up
Age 20: it’d be nice to own a home someday
Age 30: OMG I just found a penny on the ground!
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
What the dentist sees
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I’ve been looking for the lid for this Tupperware container and somehow I’m now three weeks late for work.
Questions for people who eat Wheat Thins: Have you ever accidentally eaten part of the box? How can you be sure?
He rose from mild mannered Social Studies teacher…
To vicious kingpin of a criminal cupcake empire.Coming soon to AMC:
“BAKING BRAD”
*bends over to pick a four leaf clover but gets struck by a falling ACME safe before doing so*
I just made coffee without coffee in it… I made water.
How’s your day going?
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
*holds flashlight under chin*
“…and then the typo appears, AFTER you hit send!!”
*everyone screams in horror*
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
Professor X: what’s your super power?
Me: hindsight
Professor X: that’s not going to help us
Me: yes I see that now
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
I can’t help being suspicious when somebody asks to borrow my effigy.
To anybody who thinks being self-employed means you don’t have to work for a boss you hate, I have terrible news