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[rap battle]
Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
I really have to stop ending sentences with, “you’ll be sorry, you will all be sorry!”
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
♫ Taaaake onnn beeees ♪
[Take on bees]
♪ Taaaake beeeees onnn ♫
[Take on bees]
Ooouch I’m stuuuuung ♪
Too many
Beeeeees ♫
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
People always ask Jesus to take the wheel but there were no cars back then so how good a driver can he really be
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
them: talk is cheap
me: two talks please
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
BREAKING: Jennifer Lawrence taking 2-year break from acting.
Vin Diesel is also taking a break from acting, but will keep making movies.
Me: read me my Miranda rights
Cop: you have a right to be the smart one. You have a right to finally realize Steve is the one for you. If you do not have a Steve, one may be provided for you
Me: now read me my Samantha rights
Cop [sighs]: you have a right to be the sexy one…
When I wished for simpler times, I didn’t mean people’s IQs
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[Troy in the olden times]
“WTF is that?”
A wooden horse
“It’s not full of soldiers is it?”
[from in horse] JUST TAKE IT INSIDE & HAVE A LOOK
“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”