Me: And this is my house
Friend: What’s upstairs?
Me: Stairs don’t talk.
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[travels back in time]
[accidentally kills Baby Charlie Chaplin]
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
“I really wish I could squeeze that piano over and over” – guy who invented the accordion
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
My 4 year old asked me if tears were made of pee and when I told him “no” he asked why they taste like pee. I have so many questions.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
me: why does my back hurt
also me:
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
*after sex*
Me:
Person:
M:
P:
M:
P:
Me: “was it because-”
P: “YES it was because you said “oh lawd she comin” when you climaxed”
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.