I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
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Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
Children will literally bust in the bathroom like a cop to ask a question and then complain about the smell
Engelbert Humperdinck actually chose that name, he was not born with it.
I think about this a lot.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
[Office meeting]
*I stride in, straddle a chair:
Yo Guys. Listen upBoss: Turn around Frank. We can’t hear you when you’re facing the wall
The world is my oyster and I’m allergic to shellfish.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
I asked my wife if I can count on her, she said I always can.
I sat on her lap and said “One, two, three, four, five”
Judge: and how does the defendant plead
Lawyer: like this your honor *makes whiny voice *nooo I didn’t do any crimes*
Judge: HAH do it again
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
philosophical skeletons be like
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
{about to have sex}
Her: *seductively kicks off heels and rips open blouse
Me: *panics as I look for a spot to set down my half eaten taco
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I’m the most spontaneous person in the world when it comes to making a decision to stay at home.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤