Men should stop taking Viagra and start trying anxiety. That shit keeps you up way longer.
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doctor: you’re completely blind
me: what are you saying
doctor: april fools lol you’re actually deaf
me: what
doctor: oh right
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
I bought a metal detector.
Beach better have my money.
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
Now.
What do we want?
Time traveller jokes.
When do we want them?
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
It should be illegal for ATMs to show you your balance without your consent
Taliband
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
My therapy group is a joke. The doctor is supposed to match you with people you have something in common with but everyone here is nuts.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
very demi lovato saying their favorite dish is a mug because it can hold hot liquids
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks