*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
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I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Looking at food photos online may help curb overeating: study
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
It’s like all of my wife’s friends say – stop sucking on my loofah and get out of my house
Oh, your kid gets straight A’s at school? That’s cool. My son knows exactly what to do in case of a zombie apocalypse.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
I always chalk the pool cue as if it is going to make a difference
sure recipes like “marry me chicken” are cute but where’s the “it’s your turn to clean the bathroom casserole”
If you don’t believe in evolution, how do you explain corn dogs.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder