DATE: I love spicy food.
ME: [trying to impress] I once ate an entire bonfire.
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Trev’s antisocial challenge: walk up to the first coworker you see and say, “I’m sorry you feel threatened by my triceps.”
WELL, WHO TOLD YOU TO GO IN THE BATHROOM?
~ Me, yelling from bed at the cat crying to get out of the bathroom
Me: they’re coming!
911: can you hide?
Me: they’ll find me!!
911: stay calm
Me: the door is opening…help!
“Mooom! We want a snack!!”
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
The fact that we don’t use towels to dry towels makes me question the value of towels.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
She uses her boyfriends toothbrush without his knowledge and wears his underwear every day….I eat a dog biscuit ONCE and I’M the weirdo???
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
Them: We can’t pay for your writing, but it will be good exposure!
Me: I’ve got my own website. I can expose myself. …You know what I mean.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
Did my cat write this
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.