Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
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If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.
give a fish a man and it’s Jaws.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
But, soft! What light through yonder window breaks? / Are you still on your iPhone even though you said you were going to sleep?
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Honestly babies are so lazy like hold up your own head Charles, you have literally nothing else to do.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
My son glared over his happy meal box at my husband and said sternly, ‘this time no taking taxis please.’
He meant taxes. As in the Dad Fry Tax.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
Me: Magic 8-Ball, will I ever find true love?
Cantaloupe: Maybe if you lay off the drugs.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
WIFE: Just try to be normal tonight.
[later at the dinner party]
ME: Do you think the ghosts of muppets are doomed to roam the earth until reunited with the hand that animated them in life?
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
Teacher: You have one pie, there are four people who want pie, what percentage of the pie would you get?
Me: 100%
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
If you don’t want your kids to leave the bathroom light on all the time don’t ask them to wash their hands so much duh.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
I agree noisy knees. I SHOULD stay on the couch
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?