I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
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Instead of butterfly kisses, I give you moth kisses. They’re crazy, frantic, all over the place- and quite honestly, you’re terrified.
The bank robbery would have ended much better for me if I hadn’t stopped on the way out at the ATM to deposit the money.
What’s the dumbest thing you bought when you were drunk?
I spent $30 on fish food and I don’t have a fish
My Mom is ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE I should eat this tuna she purchased 4 years ago.
If I’m not around tomorrow, you know why…
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
it’s so beautiful today i think i’ll take my ps5 outside
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..
“I’m usually closed off. But if you get close to me, you’ll find that I’ll really open up.”
-Automatic sliding doors
I’m going on a shiny hair journey. It doesn’t seem as if my hair is going with me, but I’m going.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“Lloyd, could you keep your eyes on the road, please?” Oh. Yea. Good thinkin’. Can’t be too careful. A lot of bad drivers out there.
Kids: the floor is lava!
Me: *slowly rolls off couch*
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
I just changed all my passwords to “kenny”…
Now I have kenny logins.
#dangerzone
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
Kid: Can I get a new toy?
Me: No, Christmas is coming and you’ll get presents then
Kid: Can I have a candy bar?
Me: No, maybe Santa will bring you candy
Kid: A granola bar?
Me: Ask Santa 😉
Kid: A drink of water?
Me (only half listening): On Christmas
Jail
was listening to the very hungry caterpillar audiobook in my car and accidentally spent $174.09 at the drive-thru
Dishonest mechanic?
I was winning at blackjack until the pit boss offered to exchange my chips for chips and salsa.
If you change your avi, I will assume you’ve stolen all your previous tweets from that other guy.
Mensa should be calling any day now.
I just found out that all the different colors in Fruit Loops are the same flavor, and now I don’t know what’s real anymore
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants