Do you think if I jump I’ll glide down?
-My 5yo, standing on the counter holding an umbrella, about to learn an important physics lesson
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Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
I鈥檒l take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
Characters in werewolf movies always develop heightened senses and sex drives and cravings for raw meat and never develop the urge to spend all day playing with squeaky chew toys.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
You can lead a horse to water, but you probably can’t do it as well as Sneaky Gary, the serial horse drowner.
Mirror mirror on the wall, please make me look like a mix between emaciated and “I’d hit that.”
I wish Adele would hurry up and put out another album so I could end this relationship.
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
馃槶
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
My friend just told me that he can print a gun using a 3D printer, but I鈥檓 not impressed. I鈥檝e had a Canon printer for years.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
I鈥檝e got something stuck in my tooth, but instead of flossing I think I will just drive myself nuts all day by trying and failing to get it out with my tongue.
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
#rubbishjokes
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark’s teeth?The slowest swimmer.