A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
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Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”
If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
My son’s favourite magic trick is making a single glove disappear
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[canadians at you, canadianly]
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
Yesterday someone on here said I was more attractive than an actual Prince, and that was a really weird way to discover that my mom had a Twitter account.