Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
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Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
Just received an email saying: “Want to see Celine Dion live?”
My first thought was that it was a ransom demand.
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
Janay Rice says the elevator attack was all part of God’s plan. God must not like her very much.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
Taurus: People will call you a trend setter this week when you’re bitten by a new species of snake.
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Which wines pair best with gloating?
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
“I’m not drunk, I’m a zombie…”
~Me passing out candy on Halloween
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
“Bad actors” is a wild term because it could mean when the government is doing war crimes but it could also just mean Jared Leto
A pregnant lady, except it’s me smuggling king sized candy into the movies for 6 kids and saving $278.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that “Holds a lot more.”
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns