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How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
A family that plays together cheats.
I had surgery on my hand but I’m telling everyone it’s a “cooking injury” so I can brag about my tamale recipe
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.
They’re not called “butt hole mirrors.” They’re called “hand mirrors,” according to this clerk at Walgreens.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶
SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!
Why are so many pills round? Try making some square so they don’t all roll away onto the floor and under the cabinets.
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
i don’t understand the desire to rock climb. we have stairs for that now. solved problem
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday
Him: I’m really into clean eating.
Me: [trying to impress] I almost never eat food I’ve dropped on the floor.
I’m tired, you’re tired, we should probably sleep together.
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]