Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
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Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
This is my cat’s medicine.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
When I was young I wanted to be married by 25, but now I think I’ll be married by 30 (I’m 41 for context)
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Bruce Willis in a lot of action roles he’s played:
Bruce Killis
All set.
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
I have a dentist appointment this afternoon. What’s the quickest way to erase a year of bad decisions?
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
Gambling is all about getting something for nothing and spending thousands of dollars trying to do it.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
You may be the stupidest person I’ve ever met. And I’ve met me
I smoked e-cigs for so long that I got e-cancer. I’m ok though, I just swallowed a Norton Antivirus cd and it cleared things up.
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
The average human now spends 1.5 years of their life waiting for dumb post-credits scenes.
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
she died as she lived: screaming “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD HAVE ANY OF YOUR SCREENWRITERS EVER MET A HUMAN WOMAN?????” at her computer screen
Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
“Please, do that thing again with your tongue…” – Me talking to my pet lizard:(