“so what did you do before self-driving cars?”
“we just drove ’em ourselves!”
“wow, no one died that way?”
“oh no, millions of people died”
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ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
Guys, if you buy your wife candy for your anniversary and she’s on a diet, she will hold that against you until the next anniversary. Don’t ask how I know this.
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
[after a plane crash]
Pilot: are u guys mad at me :/
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Things my cat eats: grass
Things my cat shouldn’t eat: grassThings my cat should eat: cat food
Things my cat doesn’t eat: cat foodColour of my cat: black and white
Colour of cows: black and whiteSynopsis: My cat is a cow
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My friend was complaining that when her husband gets dressed, he does sock, shoe, sock, shoe. What a weirdo! Everyone knows it’s sock, sock, shoe, shoe, pants.
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
When something is boring we shouldn’t call it vanilla. Vanilla is a rich and complex flavor. When something is boring should call it “red velvet.”
HOW DO I CONVINCE EVERYONE THAT I’M NOT UPSET SOMEONE STOLE MY CAPS LOCK KEY?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet
I’m in pretty decent shape for a dude who was in a serious car accident and spent the last six weeks recovering in a hospital bed. That didn’t happen to me–it’s just a good yardstick for the kind of shape I’m in.