I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
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Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
Her: Feed me!
Me: To what?
ocean: *waves*
me: *starts to wave back then realize it’s waving at the woman behind me*
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
Honey Boo Boo changes name to Sugar Scab.
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
My boss: we’re gonna have to let you go
Me: *shouting over Slayer* why?
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
I passed gas and my husband asked if I said something so I’ve been laughing for 28 minutes now.
I keep trying to lose this last 180 pounds but he refuses to leave.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: I was watching Sixth Sense when my house got burgled
Cop: Ok tell me everything that happened
[10 mins later]
Cop: holy shit he was dead the whole time?!
My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
i actually laughed 😩
“Choose password”
> 123bob“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones“OK”
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
We just joined a gym and they asked me to pick a 4 digit member number and I opened my mouth and my husband said, “I stg if you use your bank pin.”
I was, in fact, going to use my bank pin💀
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
Three ways to tell if you’re dating an Octopus:
1. They give awesome hugs
2. They have no skeleton
3. Every date is at the aquarium
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
I’m only a vegetarian so people won’t invite me anywhere
Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”