Me: Opens trash bag to begin cleaning playroom…..
Kids: (from a mile down the street) “Wait! I’ve been looking for that.”
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When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
[escorted out of google hq with armful of snakes at 9:02am on my 1st day] WELL MAYBE U SHOULDA CLARIFIED WAT U MEANT BY “PYTHON PROGRAMMER”
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable ❤️
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
I’m smart, but not “I’ll stop talking while I’m still ahead” smart.
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
If you can make dinosaurs out of a mosquito in amber and some frogs you can probably also make dinosaurs that don’t want to escape and murder everyone feels like maybe Jurassic Park should have workshopped this more.
Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
strict parents don’t know how to cope with having an adult child so they have to make up problems. four years ago someone found my wallet outside and dropped it off at a precinct. the police called to return it. to this day my mother refers to it as my “run in with the police”