wicked witch: i’ll get you, my pretty! and your little dog, too!
me: omg u think im pretty?
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Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
*working in pediatric ER*
me: hi my name is Josh and I’m going to be your doctor today!
kid: what is that *points to badge*
me: this is my hospital ID badge! I was having a very bad hair day that day haha
kid: it looks the same today
me:
I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
*2 days before payday*
Me: CLEAR!
Teller: I’m telling you that this is unnecessary
Me: *places defibrillator onto check* I SAID “CLEAR”!
No, you lookup addresses mentioned in crime reports to see how close they are to you.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
If I were married, my wife would not be shoveling snow after working a long shift. Not with these gutters that need cleaning.
Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money
PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.