Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
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Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
Straight people are cancelled
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Me: I don’t feel well
Mom: Did you eat the plastic fruit again, Gigi?
Me: No
Mom: …
Me: …
Mom: …
Me: *throws up plastic banana*
[weapons store]
ME: *holding up a spare pin* Has anybody seen my grenade?
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
FRIEND: it’s a strange time to be alive
ME: *looks at watch*
ah yes, 6:30
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Synonym rolls all look different but taste the same
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
me: if there are any spirits here, pleasant yourself to us
ghost: bro did you just say pleasant instead of present?
me: oh no
2nd ghost: lmao this idiot said pleasant
3rd ghost: pleasant
4th ghost: pleasant
5th ghost: pleasant
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Told the guy at the polling station I was there for the Bon Jovi tickets. Without batting an eye he said, “Floor or mezzanine?”
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
St. Patrick’s Day: the day the Venn diagram for people who touch my hair for luck and the number of times I throat punch someone is just a circle.