My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
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Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
ME: I guess in a way I saved YOU.
PARAMEDICS: …
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait
*signs up for PayPal because it sounds like having a friend*
[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
Accidentally fell asleep smoking an e-cigarette and when I woke up my whole house was on the internet.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Her: Get out, this is the ladies room!
Me: Oh please, If I paid attention to every sign with a picture on it I’d never get a parking place.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
The worst thing about working from home is when you get on a customer call, the Amazon driver shows up, and you have a dog.
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.