My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”
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NASA has no chill
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
I put the hot in psychotic.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
Whenever I see a white van in the Taco Bell drive-thru, I instantly get jealous of the kidnapees in the back.
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.