*doesn’t tweet for months*
*deep breath*
*cracks knuckles*Do you think Scooby Doo was supposed to be Scooby Dog and it was just a typo
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my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
One time, a dude messaged me to ask what I was wearing & I had just put in my mouthguard to go to bed… so I said “mouthguard” & he asked for pics. So I sent him a photo of my mouthguard & he blocked me.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Bird: Good morning! How are you?
Me: Oh my God! You can talk!
Bird *tapping his Bluetooth ear piece*: I missed what you said, some jackass is shouting at me.
Never hate someone for the color of their skin or who they love. Hate them for putting mayo on a hotdog. That person deserves it
My 2.5 yo pointing to table: Where’s sticker?
Me: the house cleaners must’ve removed it
Pointing to the wall: where’s crayon?
Me: the cleaners must’ve wiped it off
Pointing to toy bin: where’s singing bear?
Me: the cleaners must’ve thrown it out
…we don’t have cleaners
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
This invitation says, “Regrets only,” so I’m sending them a note that says, “My hair throughout most of the ‘90s.”
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.