Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
You Might Also Like
I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
No. I wasn’t being sarcastic.
I was being a giraffe.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
I do not encourage eating cats. But judging by the amount of time they spend licking themselves, I bet they are probably pretty damn tasty.
Adult: What’s that a drawing of?
Someone else’s kid: A house and a rainbow and my smiling family
My kids: SONIC THE HEDGEHOG BUT HE FOUGHT ALIENS AND NOW HE’S COVERED IN BLOOD SEE HERE I AM CRYING ON THE CORNER
The average person eats 8 spiders a year
*eating 2nd bowl of spiders*
“WHO’S AVERAGE NOW DAD?”
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
NYT: No, we did not make Wordle harder. We promise.
Also NYT: Today’s Wordle is KHYBX — which everyone knows is a popular 11th century Latin delicacy derived from quicksand extract. Duh.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
8-year-old: *puts on new shoes* I’m faster now because they’re red.
Me: Your old shoes were red, too.
8: These are redder.
[neighborhood meeting]
Me: This is an outrage!
Neighbor: Exactly! The city’s plan to–
Me: Nothing but powdered creamer for the coffee? I’m out of here.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.