You know you had yourself a weekend when the kids wake up Monday morning in the same pajamas you put them in Friday night.
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I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Dogs are your best friend unless you’re playing hide and seek – they will sell you out.
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Not me walking to the supermarket and feeling cute in my polka dot summer dress until an elderly woman stops to point out we’re wearing the same dress.
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
GRADUATION TIP: Don’t graduate! The real world is terrifying. Hide out in the library. They can’t make you leave if they can’t find you!
I never tell people about how the pens on my desk double as excellent ball-scratchers BEFORE they put them in their mouths. That’d be silly.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.
Give a man a fish. Sure, why not? Go around giving strangers weird fish gifts. Who cares
My new pajamas have no pockets. I don’t want to hear your problems.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?