On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
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Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
me: this is my horse mayo
friend: why did you call him that?
mayo: [neighs]
Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Birds & Planes.
Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
Spelling “Mike” using the phonetic alphabet is easy.
That’s M as in Mike. I as in the second letter in Mike. K as in… you got it… and E as in euphoria.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
“I better pee first.”
– me, before doing anything
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.
It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.
It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Nothing worse than talking to a person with a large amount of spit in their mouth that talks really fast. HOLY SHIT…My glasses r ruined
Watching A Quiet Place and being reminded of all those times I’ve got home drunk trying to be as quiet as possible……I’d be dead in the first 30 seconds of this movie.
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.