Happy Febuary everyone!
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I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
There’s a fire burning in my heart, no wait, it’s acid reflux, carry on.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Childbirth is so beautiful
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
(Date)
Me: Sorry I have terrible anxiety and get picnic attacks.Her: You mean panic attacks?
Me: *pulling basket out* Oh god make it stop
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Goal as a white guy
1)Pay taxes
2)Never say anything that may come across as racist
3)Find something clever to do with my arms when I dance.
Seriously contemplating remarrying my ex wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out that I’m just after my money.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
Me: I’d like to schedule an eye exam.
Receptionist; Any particular reason?
Me: Bikini season.
Why do Nashville’s tourists feel the need to cosplay farmers and cowboys when they visit our city? I don’t dress up like a bagel or the Statue of Liberty when I visit New York City. I just wear my normal clothes.
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Imagine hand rolling a strand of spaghetti so long it could fill an entire plate and then they serve it to two dogs.
Whenever someone tells me they have an IQ of 140, I wonder if that’s Fahrenheit or centigrade.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
There are two sides to every story. Mine comes with french fries and cole slaw.
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken