9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
You Might Also Like
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
[trying to impress fiancée’s entire family]
Waiter: Your bill for-
Oh I got it! [looks at bill & spits wine] WHO ORDERED THE “SUBTOTAL”?!?
ME: [gets into a car accident]
EMT: Sir, please step out of the vehicle, we’re trying to save lives
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
As we debated who would win between Vader and Gandalf, we suddenly realized our dates had left
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Me: *stopping* Siri, reroute to kitchen, there’s a traffic jam.
Siri: Step over the dog.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.
She laughed and laughed.
Apparently so hard, she got a headache.
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Fighting on twitter be like 🤣
I’d rather take a bullet for my son than cover for him when mom asks who left the dirty dishes in the sink…
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory is basically Saw, but with desserts.
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
imagine a dolphin. now imagine a small dog. folks there is plenty more where that came from
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”