Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
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[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
Hairdresser: [holding up mirror] what do you think?
Me: [horrified] I love it
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Me: This “Fear the Walking Dead” show is really creepy.
Wife: This is the Video Music Awards.
Bringing in an edit button would deny us glorious tweets like these
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not hungover you’re just awake.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
Customer: can I get some bacon
Me: sure
Customer: can you make it fatty
Me: *holding back tears* bacon isn’t that hard to make
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not