If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
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Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
Cw: you have a call holding
M: put it in my voicemail
Cw: he has a sexy Australian accent
M: hiiii this is Jennifer
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
I appreciate customer photos on Amazon because sometimes I think, “I would love to buy this item, but first, I need to see it at its saddest”
If you watch The Matrix backwards, a young man slowly comes down from a wild acid trip before returning to his low-level tech job.
I can’t afford Ugg boots, so I just never shave below the knee to create the illusion that I’m wearing them.
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.
Them: how does 9am sound?
Me: sounds like you’re dead to me
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: hi grayfish
GOLDFISH: hi dog
DOG: u said that already
GOLDFISH: said what
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
In 5 more years people will be notified of their termination of employment via emoji.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.