listen closely
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Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
Pictures of dogs playing poker are amusing, but before you hang one on your wall just consider the feelings of inadequacy that your own, non-cardsharp pooch may feel when she sees it.
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
Me as a teen: Only 150 hours?
Me as an adult: I will literally pay you more money to make this game shorter
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
[Weather Channel Secret Memo]
To technical crews:
If blizzard doesn’t reach predicted intensity, shoot all exteriors through snow-globes.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Trying to find the $59 airfare advertised by Southwest is the adult version of Where’s Waldo.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
[100 year old man on job interview]
“Do you have any references?”
Sure, hold on. *pulls out Ouija board*
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
[sees girl reading To Kill A Mockingbird]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] kills all those frickin birds.”
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
At Home Depot, I’m just as confused and lost as the birds that have accidentally flown into the building.
Dearest wife,
The war on Christmas goes well. We found an elf stronghold & cut off its candy cane supply lines. Last night, they ate Donner.
Just finished leg day with my new trainer and now I need to replace the stairs in my house with an elevator. Or shower in the kitchen sink?
🏙👨🏼
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.