It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
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Nothing confuses me more than vegan mascara. Who is eating mascara?
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
[first day as a doorman]
me: bye, thanks for coming
sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
Oh, you love classic literature? Then name every ingredient in Corn Flakes, I’ll wait.
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Haven’t heard much from the flat earthers recently. Maybe their membership has plateaued.
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
“netflix: are you still watching” bro, i have kids, i’ve been trying
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
anyone else like Italian cereal
Bobby pin
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
I hope I’m not overthinking this.
(six days later)
Nah I’m probably not.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain