My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename the cat.
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To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
I think Newton was actually hit by pigeon shit when he discovered gravity.. Falling of apple was just a ‘dignified’ cover up…!!
Bitcoin is just Kohl’s Cash for boys