Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I got told once that “I don’t drink alcohol at company events and people find it off putting.” Then I pulled up the company manual saying “No drinking at company events.”
For a movie called IT, there were suprisingly few computers in it
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
I was having a shitty Thursday. Then my ex texted me. Now I’m having a shitty Valentine’s Day as well.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Liam Neeson stars as an evil owner of a haunted cemetery in a creepy new Halloween thriller. His catch phrase is “I have a particular set of skulls.”
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”
I get it fireworks, people set me off too.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Overused phrases I hope I never hear again:
1. At the end of the day
2. It is what it is
3. Think outside the box
4. Get your ducks in a row
5. Please sir, you’re making a scene
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Kid: Would you rather be invisible or be able to fly?
Me: Be invisible.
Kid: To fight bad guys, right?
Me, imagining breaking into a cheese shop and eating all the cheese: Totally.