Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
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Patients get nervous when I walk into surgery wearing my lucky cape but I didn’t go to medical school so I need all the luck I can get.
A TikTok challenge but it’s just people using apostrophe’s correctly.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Every haunted house movie:
People are surprised that I’m nice. Like yea I am fat and suck at sex, I have to be nice.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
*sees neighbor put his garbage in our trash can*
ME: *goes to find hub* “You know what makes me mad?”
HUB: *points to self*
*Joins sleep study to get a full night’s rest away from my kids*
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Ever notice that adding “after hours” or “after dark” to anything makes it sexy?
Walmart after hours
Walmart after darkAlmost anything…
Employee: please stop
Me: I’m just finding the right avocado
Employee: people usually just squeeze it
Me: *takes one bite out of another avocado* really?
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
Why does toothpaste drop off your toothbrush so easily but then turn into a type of thermosetting polymer that’s impossible to wash away?
Him: I think you pick fights with me to get out of doing things together
Me: That’s not true
H: Wanna go hiking
M: I don’t like your tone
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”