Married foreplay is just five minutes of confusion about whether your spouse is using a suggestive euphemism or asking you to do a chore.
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Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
In a war with my neighbor to see who can attract more hummingbirds. We need more wars like this.
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
God has abandoned us.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
[Me as a babysitter]
ME: *rings the parents* We have a problem. I picked up your son David from school and he seems freaked out
HER: My son is Robert
ME: We have 2 problems
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My boyfriend asked me why I bother watching cooking shows when I cant cook so I asked why he bothered watching porn.
A gingerbread man sits inside a gingerbread house. Is the house made of flesh? Or is he made of house? He screams, for he does not know.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Me: *humming the Jaws theme song*
My gynecologist: can you not?
WHY WRITERS ARE STARING AT NOTHING
• they’re actually working shh this is the process
• haven’t slept in 19 years so this is a power nap
• hoping a bakery will appear
• just fell down a plot hole and horror is setting in
• about to scream
• any second now
• oh here they go
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July