I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
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I hate when people say “think again.” Buddy, I wasn’t even thinking in the first place.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
To avoid eating all the Halloween candy, I got tiny Bibles to hand out instead but, nope, I’ve eaten all those too.
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
Anyone ever notice how the word “opinion” looks like “onion”, and how if you cut into either, people start crying?
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
Sorry, I didn’t mean to text you a graphic description of my explosive diarrhea. Stupid autocorrect.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
It just isn’t as fun to rob banks any more.
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
good work, everybody
Ok I’ll come clean. When people say “asking for a friend,” they’re talking about me. I’m the friend. I have a lot of embarrassing questions.
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
EMINEM: his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy
WEB MD: cancer
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Duolingo is the only app I have where I can safely avoid Succession spoilers
Marriage. Because your shitty day doesn’t have to end at work.
Pro tip: Next time you’re at a bar, go up to a woman & whisper “Hey, wanna get outta here?”
If she says yes, you can sit where she was.
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
magician: “think of a letter, any letter”
me: “ok”
magician: “now double it”
me: [visibly confused]