I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
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[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Her: I’m a sapiophile
Me: I don’t know what that is
Her: it’s being attracted to intelligence
Me: totally I am a sap… sapial… me too
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i don’t take u seriously
HER: yes
ME: yeah right
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
[walking somewhere]
My cat: I’M GOING TO GET THERE FIRST!!
hi aliens, if you’re harvesting humans the best and juiciest ones have a lot of numbers in their bank accounts
[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
flea markets are crazy. an old woman will be like “this pendant belonged to my grandfather who forged it himself during the great war. it’s yours for $3.”
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
I only hug people so I can stick my hands in their pockets and search for snacks.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Took Me Eleven Minutes to do That Thing I’ve Been Avoiding for Three Months: A Memoir
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!